The latest, the greatest and the not so greatest

Good day loyal readers!  Again I've been harassed into posting here.
Let me fill you in on the most recent developments here at Chez Martin-May.
Audrey is almost nine months old.  Anson went in to get her this morning and for the first time, she was standing up in her crib waiting for him.  I wouldn't be surprised if she took off running at some point soon - how scary is that - like a little doll running around.  She has four teeth on top, two on the bottom.  She's still our happy, smiley friendly girl.  Sleeping well, eating well, and generally being wonderful.
The postpartum depression is a sneaky bugger.  I'm going back to see the lovely counselor at the IWK.  As far as the previously mentioned light headed-ness and fainting spells, I saw a Neurologist and have had an EEG.  After an MRI I will go back in for results.  Still feeling light headed but no fainting for a little while now :)  Did I mention I had my wisdom teeth out and I quit smoking?  Almost two months ago now.

I'm back to work full time, and as I work mornings and Anson works evenings we are sharing child care.  It's been challenging but we don't see any other way to do it.

In my spare time I have been soaking up books like a sponge.  Since Anson gave me the e-reader for Christmas I must have read twenty five books on it.  The most challenging thing is finding good books to download.  I'd love any suggestions.  I'm forever scouring top 10 fiction lists.

I'm standing by my departure from facebook - I don't miss it at all.  I've felt at times that I'm out of the loop, and I really am.  I see my family and friends about the same amount as I did pre-facebook-departure.  I wonder as I'm typing now if the people I had as friends on facebook have noticed that I left?  Or if they went to look at my profile one day and found that I was no longer there, and thought that I had deleted or blocked them?  I don't put too much thought into it.  I've been on twitter to share photos and occasional observations. I'd love to keep in touch with any of my loved ones via email.  

I hope that you, reading this, are well - thank you for listening/reading.
Kelly

A cheesy reflection.

I was driving home from dropping my Sis off at the airport in the wee hours of this cold morning and it occurred to me, how easy this life has been made to be for me.

My daughter and I were warm, safe and comfortable in our beat-up Honda.  Driving home towards our heated apartment, where I am free to use my computer to write a blog, turn on the oven to bake some banana bread, choose something warm to clothe myself in.  My struggles, which at times can feel overwhelming, seem trivial and surmountable.  How fortunate I am to cradle this child in my arms today.  

I don't have much to say otherwise.  I recently had my wisdom teeth and a molar removed.  It went well and I'm nearly back to my solid food eating self.  Our big girl weighs nearly 20lbs and is in the 88th percentile for weight.  Our doctor is pleased with her development.  We are planning our family trip to Trinidad in April, to visit my Mum and StepDad.  Anson and I are both investigating exciting new prospects, I realize that's horribly vague but I will say more when decisions have been made.  Everything is looking up!  

My tried-and-true advice for anyone who is interested: Things don't just turn out okay.  You have to work hard to make them okay.  With hard work and perseverance, you can accomplish pretty much anything.       

Ramblings from Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada, North America, Earth, the Galaxy, the Universe

I often glance in the mirror when I'm washing my hands, or brushing my teeth or blow drying my hair and think of the ancestry that is in my blood, my body, my face.  Somewhere along the line, my ancestors were French, Polish, English, Scottish, Ottawa Valley Native, and Irish.  


In two hundred years, my descendants will be at least partly Canadian.  Will they have my Polish nose, my squinty smile?  For that matter, whose Polish nose and squinty smile am I walking around with?  I look like my Mum - do we look like our Great-Great-Great Grandmother?  

With Mum in Trinidad

My mother carried me in her womb, birthed me, raised me and let me go - just as I am doing for Audrey, and she will do for her children, and her children will eventually do.  Some cultures worship their ancestors.  Ours almost does the opposite of that.  I have very little knowledge of my family past my Grandparents', and even that knowledge is fairly limited.  What a shame.  I'm feeling a pull to create something - to be immortalized in art, literature, music, or through contribution to my fellow people - because I was here.  Until my dying day I will love my daughter, and some day her children, and their children. Thirty isn't too young to consider one's mortality right?  How 2012 of me.


Oddly enough the most pressing matter at hand, is that someone in this room pooped, and I'm pretty sure it was Audrey.  Doody duty calls.
Until next time....


HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

You will no longer see me on facebook

Hello! 
Happy Holidays (Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah) to my friends, family, and readers across the globe.
Honestly, I've been thinking a lot about the public sharing of the details of my life on facebook.  

Not that I have anything to hide but it makes me feel uncomfortable.

Equally on my mind: I could be spending the time I would spend creeping facebook, farting around with sims/family feud doing something productive, creative, relaxing, or playing with Audrey (although right now the majority of my wasted facebook time is while she is napping)... 

So - I've decided to cut my ties with facebook.  I wonder what will come of all my photo albums.  

I will continue to make random, awkward posts to twitter,
 send pictures to google photos and
occasionally upload videos to youtube.  

I will probably continue to blog when I feel inspired to do so or have something to say.

Keep in touch with Audrey and I via e-mail or leave a comment on my blog.

Come for a visit, or give us a telephone call, or a video call. 

My Skype name is kelly_poo_poo.

Things are great here, we are very excited for Miss Audrey's first Christmas.  She's bright and comical.  

After tomorrow Anson has something like six days off for the holidays.  Yay!

Health update: Cardiologist declared my heart to be healthy,

 and is arranging a referral to the neurology department for a ct scan.  

I'm still feeling woozy and as if I'm two drinks in, but not fainting as much.  

Wishing you all the happiest of celebrations and a fabulous 2012.

Hugs and kisses to my nearest and dearest.

My big New Years Resolution is to make better use of my time, starting.... now.  

It's beginning to look a lot like a crazy December!

Our Christmas tree looks lovely.
My sister, Tara, came over tonight to help us decorate it.
Candy Cane Hot Chocolates were enjoyed.
Anson made a nice broccoli spinach and pepper pasta for supper, followed by cinnamon toast made on homemade cinnamon bread.  Audrey's sleeping peacefully in her crib.
Life is good!




Baby girl is rolling around, reaching, grabbing, eating cereal/fruits/vegetables, laughing, making faces, and almost sitting up on her own.  She's teething - her two bottom teeth are way in and it looks like the top two are next to come in :)  Audrey is such a joy.


I received treatment for post-partum depression from the Reproductive Mental Health team at the I.W.K. Hospital, and I'm quite happy to report that my head is in a much better place now.  I'm really enjoying being a Mum to our lovely girl.  


I want to write a bit about my health to keep my dear friends and family up to date.

winter jacket 2011

I've been feeling light headed and woozy (as if I've had two beer), and frequently had fainting episodes, for the last month and a half or so.  My doctor has me doing all kinds of tests and so far all my ecg/ekg/echo/blood/pee tests have been normal (my family will be pleased to know I have no nutritional deficiencies!).  He has suggested that we look at treating my "anxiety" - I don't really agree with that diagnosis as I am not feeling panicky or nervous, or on edge at all.  Any anxiety that I'm feeling is because I don't know why I'm feeling woozy.  I'd be glad if a cat scan ruled out anything neurological, given my history with the pituitary tumour.  I am seeing a Cardiologist next week and hopefully he will be able to get me that referral to a neurologist.  Apparently unrelated, I've been fighting this bronchitis since October and am on my third round of antibiotics.  Also I need an impacted wisdom tooth removed after the two root canals are done. There's another private thing too, that I won't get into here, but holy crazy December, right?!  

Good thing I'm a tough old bird...






We are planning on a family trip to Trinidad sometime soon, once we get the Doctor's go-ahead to fly.  The thought of smearing Audrey in sunblock and swimming in the ocean together is such a nice thought.  She loves the water!  

Here's Anson and I being idiots

I'll try to keep up with this written diarrhea in the next few weeks.  



I hope you have a fabulous Christmas!


Yours truly,
Kelly

Confession.

Audrey is three months old now!
Our baby girl is alert, smiley, happy for the most part, well dressed, and well loved.

Except in this pic she's smiling on the inside

I've read all about PPD (Postpartum Depression), therefore I assumed I would be immune to it.
I was very wrong.  I've spoken to my doctor and she is setting up an appointment of some sort for me.


It's strange to talk about.
I guess I don't feel like myself, and haven't for awhile.
When Audrey was born I was all joy (wonderful baby girl is here) and pain (my guts are falling out).  The joy is still there at times however the pain eventually turned into a sense of panic, crying in bathrooms, taking up (and then quitting) smoking again, having a horrible time making decisions, feeling like I can't cope, feeling hopeless and helpless, and not wanting to be alone with the baby (because I don't know what the eff I'm doing half the time and the other half the time I'm crying right along with poor Audrey), among other symptoms.


Due to Anson's schedule on the days when he works he spends an hour or two with the baby before work, and an hour or two maybe (if she's still awake) after work.  That's just how it is.  I spend a lot of time alone with Audrey.  I find myself asking for help (not easy and not my favourite thing) every day, and I'm lucky if I get it every other day.  The idea of being alone with baby when he goes to work today is making my heart race and my eyes water and I just want to go back to bed (and stay there).  I should be able to do this alone.  This is my job, right?  I want to be the best mother that I can be.  I want to take charge and pull up my bootstraps and suck it up and raise this happy baby as a happy Mum.  If I can just change my outlook, it can happen.  But it's hard to get up and out of the quicksand.    


Part of me is scared that publishing this will let the cat out of the bag, now you all know I'm a substandard Mum (I feel compelled to insert here that I love her more than anything in the world)...  
Another part of me is Warrior Mum, and she argues that it's important to talk about it.  Somehow talking about this may help me or other Mums feeling similarly.  I'm still waiting for help, but it's a step in the right direction, I'm sure of it.  If you're feeling like I am, don't be afraid to ask for help too.  I have been reading the blogs of some other Warrior Mamas, feel free to check them out: Giggles and Grimaces, 2 Much Testosterone, Another Mother Runner to name a few.


But today, the battles rages on.

Audrey is nine weeks old = neck deep in baby

Thanks Lauren, for your encouragement to write this.

Audrey slept through the night again last night, for the 8th or 9th night in a row.  When I say sleeping through the night, I mean she's going to sleep at night anytime between 7:00 and Midnight (7:00 is the goal!), waking up only for sleepy feedings and quick diaper changes.  During which she is awake for less than an hour, and we wake up anytime between 7:00 and 11:30.  
Our baby loves her sleep!

I've started her on a bedtime "routine" of bath, rocking/singing, and then nursing her off to sleep.  I start doing that around 7.  Sometimes the sleep part works, sometimes it doesn't and she's up until midnight.  It's working for now, until we learn a new way of doing it, and I want to work a story in to the equation.

Today I gave her the bath at 2:00pm because the seedy sweet potato gravy poo made it's way up and out of her diaper into her bellybutton.  She loves the bath and I've taken to using a blow dryer on her afterwards (on the lowest coolest setting of course) and she loves that too!    


I'm happy to report that the cloth diapers are an incredible success.  She never has any diaper rash or irritation from them. We love her big fluffy bum. We joke that this is the closest she's going to get to having junk in the trunk, as Anson and I both suffer from "long back syndrome" aka "pancake arse" aka "inverted bum", so we are living vicariously through our baby's big bum.

She's laying on my lap right now, having a nap on the nursing pillow.  She smells like sweet angel babies.  Since I blogged last she's been smiling, the giggle is right around the corner.  The smile more than makes up for the difficult times.  I can hardly believe how much of a joy she is.  She's alert and has a new awareness of her surroundings now.  It's so much fun showing her things for the first time. She follows the kitties with her eyes and watches faces with curiosity.  This past week she weighed in at 11lbs 6oz at the doctor's office.  She took her needles like a champ thanks to my left breast (She only pulled off to wail for less than 5 seconds with each needle).  Dr Longfingernailman had never heard of nursing a baby while doing the needles but I plan on doing it as long as possible!  

Anson has a way with her, he can calm her in the way no one else can.  I've fallen in love with him all over again these last few weeks, watching him turn into an amazing and caring father.

#1 Dad

Baby's next milestone is her christening, Mum is coming from Trinidad, Auntie Adria is coming from Ottawa.  Family is coming from New Brunswick, including Audrey's namesake - Auntie Audrey.  I'm excited to have so much family around!  The baptism should be beautiful at the Cathedral.  

It seems like I'm awfully short on witty anecdotes for this entry.  Hopefully pictures and video will compensate this time!