Monday, August 29, 2011


Audrey is three months old now!
Our baby girl is alert, smiley, happy for the most part, well dressed, and well loved.
Except in this pic she's smiling on the inside
I've read all about PPD (Postpartum Depression), therefore I assumed I would be immune to it.
I was very wrong.  I've spoken to my doctor and she is setting up an appointment of some sort for me.

It's strange to talk about.
I guess I don't feel like myself, and haven't for awhile.
When Audrey was born I was all joy (wonderful baby girl is here) and pain (my guts are falling out).  The joy is still there at times however the pain eventually turned into a sense of panic, crying in bathrooms, taking up (and then quitting) smoking again, having a horrible time making decisions, feeling like I can't cope, feeling hopeless and helpless, and not wanting to be alone with the baby (because I don't know what the eff I'm doing half the time and the other half the time I'm crying right along with poor Audrey), among other symptoms.

Due to Anson's schedule on the days when he works he spends an hour or two with the baby before work, and an hour or two maybe (if she's still awake) after work.  That's just how it is.  I spend a lot of time alone with Audrey.  I find myself asking for help (not easy and not my favourite thing) every day, and I'm lucky if I get it every other day.  The idea of being alone with baby when he goes to work today is making my heart race and my eyes water and I just want to go back to bed (and stay there).  I should be able to do this alone.  This is my job, right?  I want to be the best mother that I can be.  I want to take charge and pull up my bootstraps and suck it up and raise this happy baby as a happy Mum.  If I can just change my outlook, it can happen.  But it's hard to get up and out of the quicksand.    

Part of me is scared that publishing this will let the cat out of the bag, now you all know I'm a substandard Mum (I feel compelled to insert here that I love her more than anything in the world)...  
Another part of me is Warrior Mum, and she argues that it's important to talk about it.  Somehow talking about this may help me or other Mums feeling similarly.  I'm still waiting for help, but it's a step in the right direction, I'm sure of it.  If you're feeling like I am, don't be afraid to ask for help too.  I have been reading the blogs of some other Warrior Mamas, feel free to check them out: Giggles and Grimaces2 Much TestosteroneAnother Mother Runner to name a few.

But today, the battles rages on.

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